You know, this #UFCSummit has been the talk of the MMA town of late. It’s a big get together of all the UFC big wigs and fighters and they cover issues facing the sport’s growth and the fighter’s futures. It made me wonder what a MMA Media Summit might look like. We’re going to use the actual UFC Summit topics (or not) and see how they’d apply to the media.
Our hosts include Dana White, Joe Silva and other MMA luminaries.
Opening Speech by Dana White.
Dana: “Ok guys, I’m not sure why we’re even doing this, most of you MMA Websites and blogs or whatever are all bullshit and fucking jokes. Lorenzo said I needed to do this, and he bribed me with a membership to HipTees.com so let’s get started. Today we’re going to cover Public Relations, Production, Dangers and Risks of Carpal Tunnel, New Media/Social Media, why MMA Rankings are a fucking joke, and Do you want to be a fucking blogger. That’s it, enjoy the Pinkberry, it’s on us. One topping per media person! To discuss public relations, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Bisping.
Michael Bisping: “Ok, right folks, when you have to deal with people in public, it’s important to try and get under their skin and make them remember you. I like to call people funny names, maybe find where they are lacking and point it out, like if they are fat, call them fatass, get the drift? Sometimes people will do the same to you, and when they do, my suggestion is to act like it’s completely out of line and basically spit on them, piss on them, do whatever it takes. That’s it, any questions? Alright, cheers.”
Dana White: “Ok thanks Michael, up next to discuss Production value and bang for your fucking media buck, Brock Lesnar.”
Brock Lesnar: “Ok people, if you want to turn your website, or tee shirt into chicken salad from chicken shit, you need to have good production. Nice pictures, explosions, chains or mule deer can accomplish this task. If you use a mule deer, or black tail, or white tail, make sure it’s a buck with big horns. Nobody wants to walk around in a shirt with a doe deer on it. Isn’t that right Matt Hughes?”
Matt: “That’s a fact Brock. Maybe instead of a deer though, you can use an elk, they’re bigger.”
Brock: “Good point Matt, that’s why he’s the greatest champion ever in the smaller weight divisions. Any questions? Ok.”
Dana: “Ok, thanks Brock, and Matt for that on production. We’re going to take a brief break while we wait for Joe Silva to get here to talk about Carpal Tunnel. So watch this promo for The Upcoming UFC Experience ride at Euro-Disney opening in 2013.”
(( Video ))
Dana: “Ok, Joe’s here to talk about wrist injuries from typing too much anti Zuffa stuff on your fucking blogs.”
Dangers and Risks of Carpal Tunnel
Joe Silva: “Hello pundits and journalists of MMA, I’m thrilled to discuss this topic with all of the media. Well, most of the media, well, the media that hasn’t pissed Dana off yet. So for that specific group, I want to talk about Carpal Tunnel and how to avoid it. First, when writing articles, take your time, write in shifts and don’t get long winded or do too much in depth research. You run a blog, so the chances of anyone really reading what you’re writing is slim to none, so don’t go overboard. However, one thing not to do, is try and make a name for yourself by badmouthing our organization. That’s a shortcut to good journalism. Here’s a list of words that will no longer be acceptable when writing about the UFC, Strikeforce, Pride, WFA, WEC or anything else under the Zuffa Brand.
Lack of Production Value
Less Free MMA on TV
Brittney Palmer being hotter than Arianny Celeste
Dana: “Nice job Joe. Ok, up next to talk about Media/Social Media and Websites is none other than newly signed UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller.”
New Media/Social Media/Websites
Mayhem: “Ok freaks, here’s what you need to know about running your websites and twitter accounts. First and foremost, don’t ask pro fighters to be on your website, shitty radio show, or anything else through twitter. We have managers, use your google-machines and find them. Nothing looks more unprofessional than a “Media” member tweeting, ‘Hey GSP, if you have ten minutes, I’d love to have you on our Radio Show called, ‘BoneFists and Bong Hits.’ Just don’t do that. Also, don’t copy and paste or steal content, it makes you look like a douche … mmmkay? Lastly, follow me on twitter, follow my boy Ryan Loco on twitter and follow Gator, my dog on twitter who has more followers than Josh Koscheck. He also has more personality than Josh Koscheck. Peace!”
Dana: “Love that kid. Listen to him, he knows what he’s talking about. Ok, I’m handling the last two categories and I’m just going to blend them into one category called, “Do you want to be a fucking blogger with shitty rankings.” First though, check out the first release from our new Zuffa Productions film studio. It stars Forrest Griffin as a gym teacher who changes the lives of his students through humor and MMA. It’s called, ‘Mixed Martial Hearts – An 8th Grade Education.’ It also stars Michael Jai White and Jayden Smith. I already saw it, it’s fucking good.”
(( Video Plays ))
Do you Want to be a Fucking Blogger with Shitty Rankings?
Dana: “Thanks, I know it’s going to be awesome. Ok, here’s my little part of this, and I want you guys to know that I understand I’m hard on MMA Media, but it’s only because you guys suck at your jobs. I mean, come on, your rankings are always shitty, you rank guys like Fedor and Alistair Overeem ahead of our guys. That’s so much bullshit. Plus, you blogs all look the same to me, you all use the content and it’s just to the point where it’s embarrassing to us to have you guys cover our sport. It’s a joke! Ok, thanks for attending the Media Summit. See you guys next year? Anyone need tickets to UFC 130? Line up and tell us how many you need. Calm down guys, make a line.“
* This article is just for fun, none of the people involved actually said anything remotely close to what is written. It’s a parody. No Writers were harmed in the creation of the article…yet.